The Non-Threatening Male

For my entire life, I have been surrounded by beautiful and intelligent women. It's a curse.

That's a lie. I really enjoy it. "How is it, Spam, that women become so comfortable, as to be able to pass gas in your presence?" men frequently ask me. Let me address a unique phenomenon of our modern age: the non-threatening male.

This weekend I was treated to the exclusive pleasure of bearing witness to one of the last unknown domains of Man: Girls' Night Out. I earned this by being the "non-threatening male," as they called me.
What does it mean to be a non-threatening male?
While I cannot settle on a solid definition of the word, I can describe his traits, in the context of a Girls' Night Out.

The non-threatening male isn't necessarily unattractive, but it means that for one reason or another, all the women have agreed that he is undatable. Score one for Me.
This is important though. The function of a Girls' Night Out is to relax, and act however you really are, without the pretext of being attractive or demure. I don't even know what demure is, but I can guarantee that if a woman is trying to act demure, she won't tell you how proud of her poops she really is. And just FYI, some of them are really proud.

The non-threatening male isn't creepy. He may be undatable, but this is due to secondary characteristics. Perhaps he has a girlfriend in a coma. Perhaps he's gay. Perhaps he answers to "Spam." But he must be otherwise attractive. He is a person that women want to be around. They just don't want to date him.

At the Girls' Night Out, we had Tea and Scones. Tea (aka. dirt water), as previously mentioned, is not something I really like. Apparently it's an acquired taste, and like Rock Heroine, something to work towards slowly. There are "beginner" teas, I was told. Light, Fruity ones. I enjoyed a Mint Tea, and a Berry Tea. They were both brown, believe it or not. I also had a jellied scone. And for the record, I ate more chocolate than any of the ladies.

A non-threatening male is able to listen, and contribute to a conversation about non-manly activities. Perhaps he will talk about feelings. Perhaps not. That's always personal, and many women themselves choose not to discuss it openly. During our Girls Night Out, I was able to lend my wisdom on such popular topics as "morning wood," "Swing Dance Theory," and "Why all my Romances end in Tears."

In our Time together, I felt like we connected. We just sat around an attractive coffee table covered in snacks and teas, and talked. I heard a lot of new stories. I had a great time.

Maybe it's because, as they talk about uncomfortable positions and cold tools at the OBGYN, I am able to chime in with my own story about the proctologist and her plastic cone. Funny story.
I purposefully picked a female procologist. I thought "If someone's going to stick a transparent cone into my anus, it might as well be a brilliant woman." Well, the fact of the matter is that when there's a greasy cone in your anus, it doesn't so much matter who put it there, because THERE'S A GREASY CONE IN YOUR ANUS.
They shared their own proctology adventures.

I have always been the non threatening male. In highschool I cavorted with all the drama chicks, and none of teh drama dudes. I never dated any of them, but it's not for lack of trying. I frequently become infatuated with female friends. In middle school, I just remained silent, and when I got home, I would cry. In college I'd always had a girlfriend. But that didn't mean I didn't recognize the beauty of the people around me.

I find myself today, single, surrounded by beautiful women, and invited to their teas and dances. They always give me hugs, and sometimes they rub my shoulders. By any stretch of the imagination, I am popular with "the Ladies."
But it's hard to be proud of my popularity, because I know exactly why.

I am the non-threatening male.